The REAL Story - From No-vember to Do-cember
We made it through NOvember! Which means that Christmas is sneaking up on some of us - hello shopping list! And the rest of us have had our trees up since November 1st (*cough cough*).
We made it through NOvember! Which means that Christmas is sneaking up on some of us - hello shopping list! And the rest of us have had our trees up since November 1st (*cough cough*).
While I love the season, Christmas brings with it all kinds of boundary challenges. Also... the “shoulds” that seem to just seep into our lives. What to do, what to do, what to do…
We’re sidestepping the “what it’s really like to write a book” topic this month. Why? Because December tends to drain people of their capacity and resilience. Plus, it’s kinda connected to the whole book thing. What actually allowed me to carve out the time and space to walk through that process were… wait for it… BOUNDARIES!
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries this fall. Stepping into September, I knew that the pre-existing commitments in my life were going to be substantial. So I’ve been on the hunt for months - looking anywhere and everywhere for the distractions from what I’ve been calling “critical priorities”. That meant cutting, pausing, and post-poning commitments and projects that an old version of me would have just tried to slam together and figure out. Maybe its because I’m creeping 40, but life isn’t fun when there is no room to breathe.
It wasn’t easy - there are so many things I would have LOVED to have been a part of. And a lot that I wanted to continue to do. Networking events... the podcast... kids extracurricular activities... even book promotion… They were all paused for a season. Why? So I could make room for the people, projects, and personal growth that needed to take the front seat. I’m realizing, hindsight being what it is, that I filled a lot of time with things that kept me busy, but didn't move needles. It surprised me. Reflection is a beautiful thing. So is asking “why am I doing this?” and being super honest with ourselves about the real intentions behind our busyness.
So stepping into December, I’m looking at my calendar like a hawk circling to find a mouse. What goes? What doesn’t come in at all? What’s a straight no? What’s a “let me look and get back to you”? This is a season where shopping, and parties, and family visits, and the “I shoulds” all pile on top of our normal. And if we’re not intentional, they can take us out. We have limited capacity. I know… I don’t love it either. But limitations to our time and capacity are a thing, and they make priorities even more important.
Here’s the issue with not being intentional. So many of us want Christmas to be a time of rest and refuelling. And we need that to ensure we have the capacity to step into the next season of our lives strong. If we don’t create the space for the recharge, protect said space, and approach this season with intentionality, we'll end up drained. Which means we'll lack capacity, especially in the forms of resilience and motivation, when we get to January 1.
Lack of capacity also means you're more suceptible to the shoulds. If by then you haven’t had enough shoulding from Christmas commercials, or mother-in-laws, or a judgemental uncle... buckle up. There is a whole extra wave of “New Year, New You” BS that will hit the airwaves, vying for more of your attention and capacity... and shoulding all over you.
I don’t want that for you (and I don’t want that for me), so lets take a hot second for “Boundaries 101”!
WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?
A boundary reflects what we are willing to take on mentally, emotionally, or in terms of commitments. It is a pre-decided parameter for we will say yes to and no to in this season. We have limitations, both of resources and capacity. And while many decisions or commitments seem great independently, they can become unhealthy. Particularly if they contribute to a general "overdoing" and "overcommitting."
3 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES TO PUT IN PLACE THIS MONTH
Time boundaries
Let’s say, hypothetically of course, you have a family member that really rubs you the wrong way. And every time you spend time with them, you leave feeling beat down or like a dissapointment to the family. You can usually handle a dinner without getting too triggered, but more than that sucks the life right out of you. A boundary might look like staying for dinner, but not a 4 day visit. Or getting a hotel so you have your own space and limiting your time in that environment. It’s ok to make sure you’re ok.
Communication boundaries
What about the (hypothetical still) aunt who is always comparing her kids to you. You know those conversations where you’re not heard anyway and there is no winning? But you get sucked in EVERY TIME! And then get competitive and irritated and it spirals out of control? What if you set a boundary of not engaging in that conversation. Pre-deciding, I’m just going to say, “That’s nice that John bought a Lamborghini. I hope he loves it.” And then turn and start a conversation with someone else about something else (ANYTHING ELSE!). Eliminate the gas from the fire. She’s just trying to pad her insecurities and feel significant. It’s not your responsibility to help her fill that void. What conversations are you and aren’t you open to? And with who?
Calendar boundaries
Girl, you should see my timeblocks! Seriously though - take the time to actually plug in your self-care, family time, soul care, exercise or movement, nights off. And add all your priorities for your life. It helps create a visual that reminds you of your intentions. And then, when you go to book something in, you already have something in that spot that you would have to move. It requires more thought and can be the little trigger that helps you take the pause to evaluate if this commitment actually fits. I’ve been known to put potential networking nights or coffee date afternoon slots in as placeholders in my calendar. I’m relationship driven and when people invite me to something, my people-pleaser tries to come out. But there is my visual reminder that “I decided to be home 4 nights, which means only one out, and this week and I already have one booked.”
We could go down such a rabbit hole with this as a topic, but let’s land the plane with this. Your purpose doesn’t go on vacation. Your purpose does require you to take a vacation sometimes though. And after the Christmas season is over, we have things to do! I have courses to launch and people to move. You might have a new business to start, or an existing one to pivot and scale. There are communities to engage in, families to support and raise, and impact to create. Major uplevels and massive world-changing projects await! Don’t let Christmas take you out. It really doesn’t have to.
Xoxo
Written by: Juli Wenger
Author of Fired-Up, Fulfilled, And Free
Follow Juli at @juliwenger
YBB 2022 HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE!
Enjoy our curated list of great YBB approved holiday presents ranging in price & functionality with unique discount codes up to 20% off included!
Enjoy our curated list of great YBB approved holiday presents ranging in price & functionality with unique discount codes up to 20% off included!
Let’s Support Small Businesses!
SHOP BELOW WITH VALID DISCOUNTS DURING THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER & DECEMBER 2022.
Fired-up, Fulfilled, and Free: Know who you are. Get out of your own way. Live your purpose.
Price: $12.99 (Original $19.72).
How to claim: Purchase using this direct link. Pick up, or drop it off available within Edmonton area.
Discount: 15% off online store and any treatments excluding nails, teeth whitening treatments & micro-needling.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Mojo Jojo Pickles Pickled goods of all sorts!
Discount: 10% off.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Discount: 20% off ALL regular-priced products.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout. Free local pick-up in YEG with no minimum purchase.
Magnetficent resin vanity trays and ocean ornaments.
Discount: 15% off.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Essentials by Nature Skincare, wellness, bath, body and self care products. Discount: 10% off.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
7. One Village Chiropractic Community The Gift of Health Offer
Discount: It provides an neurospinal, health and wellness assessment for the investment of $75.00 versus $150.00.
How to claim: Provide screenshot or reference of this Gift Guide over the phone or email at time of booking.
8. Living Boldly Inc. Activate 90-Day Goal Setting Planners
Discount: 20% off digital & hard cover planners.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
9. Therapy Lamp in store purchase from Park Lighting & Furniture:
Price: $69.95 (Original $79.19)
How to claim: Visit their Edmonton showroom with a photo of the gift guide or voucher on your phone/tablet.
10. |PRETTY| CLEAN Natural cleaning & household products.
Discount: 10% off online shop
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
11. String Lights in store purchase from Park Lighting & Furniture:
Price: $69.95 (Original $88.86)
How to claim: Visit their Edmonton showroom with a photo of the gift guide or voucher on your phone/tablet.
12. Rose City Professional Organizing Professional Home Decluttering & Organization Services.
Discount: $150 off any Home Organization or Moving Services Package!
How to claim: Use contact form here to book and Include "YBB2022" in the notes section
13. Kiddies Vibe
Discount: 5% off
How to Claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
14. Wundrwear
Discount: 15% off your entire order!
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
15. Wear the Care Carefully curated limited-run clothing pieces.
Discount: 10% discount on our entire collection.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Discount: 15% off online store and any treatments excluding nails, teeth whitening treatments & micro-needling.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Discount: Enjoy 15% off using code YBB2022 + free gift with purchase!
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
18. Luminate Derm Spa Peel and heal your way to a brighter, healthier complexion with this curated 4-piece mini kit.
Discount: 20% off.
How to claim: Use code YBB2022 at checkout
Happy Shopping!
The REAL story - Progress in the Process
Do you know what drives me absolutely nuts? When a process isn’t going how I want it to go, or planned for it to go, but I have no control.
Do you know what drives me absolutely nuts? When a process isn’t going how I want it to go, or planned for it to go, but I have no control. Do you know that feeling of frustration when you’ve put time and energy and effort into creating a plan and targets and systems around that plan and those targets, but then life happens? If you do, you’ll also know the speeding heartbeat, the tense shoulders, and the racing thoughts that come with it.
This book publishing process was full of SO MANY of these moments.
It was December 2021. I’d finished my first draft, re-read it out loud to myself and edited, sent it to my then assistant (who happened to be an editor-in-training - we’ll talk about some of the you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up Godsends next month), and had a few friends and people I trusted to read it. It was time to submit the first draft of my manuscript to my publisher. This is one of those take a deep breath and click send moments that is a milestone in the process, and honestly, I was just relieved we were at a point where I could clear this project from my desk for a few weeks and do Christmas. That and recovery because WOW did the process so far need a lot from me.
January came, I got my first copy back, reviewed their edits, read through it again, completely, on my own, tweaked some more, and sent it back. And then I thought, I should start planning this launch.
As a side note, starting to plan then was a good idea. But I didn’t give “margin” (aka. adequate space) for life happening, the part of the process that wasn’t in my hands, which in publishing, was most of it. There was a guideline for how long parts of the process “should” take, so as the recovering over-achiever I am, I looked at that and figured out what the shortest period from “here” to “there” was, added a couple of weeks, and voila. End of May launch.
That’s cute Juli.
Lesson 1: Better to estimate long, than run tight timelines. You can always shorten them, but it’s way harder to extend them. (I always need more time than I think I need. It’s a common theme for me - I estimate low.)
A couple of weeks went by and an email landed in my inbox - your files are overdue. My files, were the bio, synopsis, and manuscript that I had sent in two weeks prior (and confirmed that they had received).
That frustration we talked about at the beginning, well it showed up in about a ¼ of a second. What?! I had plans and now we had lost at least a week because I had expected it back by now. I did the only thing I could do - reached out, confirmed that they had indeed got it, and asked for a rush on getting it through editing so we could keep to the timeline. Thank goodness I had given myself those extra couple of weeks. Honestly, it was close to panic. Why? Because I had started seeding a May launch with people.
Not smart Juli, not smart.
Lesson 2: Don’t talk about dates so early! Let yourself get further through the process and then you actually know, then start giving details.
Anyway, onward.
I got my edits back the second time, reviewed them, turned them around for their final proofreading within two hours, and then started pushing for the next parts of the process. The book cover, the PR promotion, the online launch party, and the Amazon best-seller plan.
Time passed, we hit some more speed bumps, more time passed, and then in late April, book cover options landed in my inbox. And they were… well… not what I was looking for. Let’s just put it that way. I had been so eagerly awaiting this piece. It was what I needed to really start promoting and building graphics. It was what we needed for the ebook presale. It was what we needed for PR and promo… and it just…. well, just no. No.
I tried to brainstorm using my design skills, but a project like this book had to be done right. So I sent back some thoughts and a couple of images I threw together on Canva, and hoped that something would come back that I was excited about.
You can only imagine… they came back, but still “just no.”
I had to find a book cover designer (like yesterday!). My timeline was blowing up, and so was my budget. But this was a project that I was committed to and that people needed. There wasn’t an option except to finish it and do it right
Lesson 3: Commit fully, or don’t bother starting.
I was fortunate that another author in my network had a local company, Anthem Creative, who agreed to take me on. They knocked it out of the park, but it took some back and forth. May was officially out of the question.
In the meantime, the last round of proofs came back, got approved, and everything we could reasonably do until we had the book cover was done. Things were out of my hands. And it was uncomfortable - really uncomfortable.
Have you seen the Elizabeth Gilbert quote? “You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety.”
That was the long and short of it.
And I had to get clear on why.
I was scared of letting people down that thought the book was coming in May, of people seeing me as a failure because I didn’t get it done, of losing momentum in my launch team because the timeline got so extended, and (at the core of it) that this whole process and all the bumps and bruises and time and energy and opportunity cost wasn’t going to be worth it.
And then I realized that I was still coming into full alignment with what I had written. The book was for me too. It was a reflection of the best of me. Me on my powerful and excited and motivated days. Me when I’m standing firmly rooted in my faith. But there was also a me that struggled to believe in herself. A me that clung to old stories and patterns. A me that had more healing to do. I believe God kept me from launching the book in May so I could do more of my work first.
That work included coming to terms with an ADHD diagnosis and therapy around trauma from bullying as a teen. And as it turned out, finding my way out of a state of depression and anxiety that I didn’t even know I was in. My baseline for mood was low - a consistently “depressed” (lowered) normal. And I thought it was normal, but as I tested ADHD medication, I started to experience something better. More calm, less reactivity, and that baseline crept up.
Lesson 4: You don’t know what you don’t know. That’s why there are experts. Use them.
We’ll wrap up here for this month with this. The process, whether it’s a project or your personal growth, will have its challenges. But they build us. And they teach us. They shape our character and give us opportunities to be healthier, more confident, authentic versions of us. I would never choose to go through what I went through. And yet, I see how it was a blessing and how it was for me. Look for those threads in your experience too - they’re always there.
Xoxo
Written by: Juli Wenger
Author of Fired-Up, Fulfilled, And Free
Follow Juli at @juliwenger
What if you could ditch fear, leave “not-enoughness” and “too muchness behind,” and answer the questions “who am I?” and “why am I here?”
What would it be like to live a life that you know matters? To have real fulfillment? To confidently and fearlessly step into the purpose you were created for?
This book is a roadmap back to yourself and a guide to help you get out of your own way so you can live that purpose with fearless confidence. To help you step out of your patterns and your commitment to not-enoughness. To be reminded that you are worthy because God put you on this earth and He makes you worthy. There is an assignment for you that can’t wait any longer.
This is your invitation into a life that is Fired-up, Fulfilled, and Free.