We made it through NOvember! Which means that Christmas is sneaking up on some of us - hello shopping list! And the rest of us have had our trees up since November 1st (*cough cough*).
While I love the season, Christmas brings with it all kinds of boundary challenges. Also... the “shoulds” that seem to just seep into our lives. What to do, what to do, what to do…
We’re sidestepping the “what it’s really like to write a book” topic this month. Why? Because December tends to drain people of their capacity and resilience. Plus, it’s kinda connected to the whole book thing. What actually allowed me to carve out the time and space to walk through that process were… wait for it… BOUNDARIES!
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries this fall. Stepping into September, I knew that the pre-existing commitments in my life were going to be substantial. So I’ve been on the hunt for months - looking anywhere and everywhere for the distractions from what I’ve been calling “critical priorities”. That meant cutting, pausing, and post-poning commitments and projects that an old version of me would have just tried to slam together and figure out. Maybe its because I’m creeping 40, but life isn’t fun when there is no room to breathe.
It wasn’t easy - there are so many things I would have LOVED to have been a part of. And a lot that I wanted to continue to do. Networking events... the podcast... kids extracurricular activities... even book promotion… They were all paused for a season. Why? So I could make room for the people, projects, and personal growth that needed to take the front seat. I’m realizing, hindsight being what it is, that I filled a lot of time with things that kept me busy, but didn't move needles. It surprised me. Reflection is a beautiful thing. So is asking “why am I doing this?” and being super honest with ourselves about the real intentions behind our busyness.
So stepping into December, I’m looking at my calendar like a hawk circling to find a mouse. What goes? What doesn’t come in at all? What’s a straight no? What’s a “let me look and get back to you”? This is a season where shopping, and parties, and family visits, and the “I shoulds” all pile on top of our normal. And if we’re not intentional, they can take us out. We have limited capacity. I know… I don’t love it either. But limitations to our time and capacity are a thing, and they make priorities even more important.
Here’s the issue with not being intentional. So many of us want Christmas to be a time of rest and refuelling. And we need that to ensure we have the capacity to step into the next season of our lives strong. If we don’t create the space for the recharge, protect said space, and approach this season with intentionality, we'll end up drained. Which means we'll lack capacity, especially in the forms of resilience and motivation, when we get to January 1.
Lack of capacity also means you're more suceptible to the shoulds. If by then you haven’t had enough shoulding from Christmas commercials, or mother-in-laws, or a judgemental uncle... buckle up. There is a whole extra wave of “New Year, New You” BS that will hit the airwaves, vying for more of your attention and capacity... and shoulding all over you.
I don’t want that for you (and I don’t want that for me), so lets take a hot second for “Boundaries 101”!
WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?
A boundary reflects what we are willing to take on mentally, emotionally, or in terms of commitments. It is a pre-decided parameter for we will say yes to and no to in this season. We have limitations, both of resources and capacity. And while many decisions or commitments seem great independently, they can become unhealthy. Particularly if they contribute to a general "overdoing" and "overcommitting."
3 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES TO PUT IN PLACE THIS MONTH
Time boundaries
Let’s say, hypothetically of course, you have a family member that really rubs you the wrong way. And every time you spend time with them, you leave feeling beat down or like a dissapointment to the family. You can usually handle a dinner without getting too triggered, but more than that sucks the life right out of you. A boundary might look like staying for dinner, but not a 4 day visit. Or getting a hotel so you have your own space and limiting your time in that environment. It’s ok to make sure you’re ok.
Communication boundaries
What about the (hypothetical still) aunt who is always comparing her kids to you. You know those conversations where you’re not heard anyway and there is no winning? But you get sucked in EVERY TIME! And then get competitive and irritated and it spirals out of control? What if you set a boundary of not engaging in that conversation. Pre-deciding, I’m just going to say, “That’s nice that John bought a Lamborghini. I hope he loves it.” And then turn and start a conversation with someone else about something else (ANYTHING ELSE!). Eliminate the gas from the fire. She’s just trying to pad her insecurities and feel significant. It’s not your responsibility to help her fill that void. What conversations are you and aren’t you open to? And with who?
Calendar boundaries
Girl, you should see my timeblocks! Seriously though - take the time to actually plug in your self-care, family time, soul care, exercise or movement, nights off. And add all your priorities for your life. It helps create a visual that reminds you of your intentions. And then, when you go to book something in, you already have something in that spot that you would have to move. It requires more thought and can be the little trigger that helps you take the pause to evaluate if this commitment actually fits. I’ve been known to put potential networking nights or coffee date afternoon slots in as placeholders in my calendar. I’m relationship driven and when people invite me to something, my people-pleaser tries to come out. But there is my visual reminder that “I decided to be home 4 nights, which means only one out, and this week and I already have one booked.”
We could go down such a rabbit hole with this as a topic, but let’s land the plane with this. Your purpose doesn’t go on vacation. Your purpose does require you to take a vacation sometimes though. And after the Christmas season is over, we have things to do! I have courses to launch and people to move. You might have a new business to start, or an existing one to pivot and scale. There are communities to engage in, families to support and raise, and impact to create. Major uplevels and massive world-changing projects await! Don’t let Christmas take you out. It really doesn’t have to.
Xoxo
Written by: Juli Wenger
Author of Fired-Up, Fulfilled, And Free
Follow Juli at @juliwenger
